Supporting Your Rainbow Pregnancy: What to Look for in a Doula After Loss

Navigating pregnancy after loss is an experience unlike any other. It may be filled with a whirlwind of conflicting emotions- pain, joy, grief, anxiety, relief, hope, cautious celebration… You may feel protective, detached, overwhelmed–often all within the same day. As someone who has lost two pregnancies, one a blighted ovum, one the first trimester birth and the loss of my daughter, Elora, I know all too well how isolating navigating a pregnancy after loss may feel. While searching for support, you want to find a doula who honors loss and life, hope and heartbreak, joy and grief. My hope is that this may serve as a guide on what to ask when searching for a doula who can honor your story– who will meet you with gentle trauma-informed care and fierce advocacy. 

Here are some thoughtful questions and considerations that can help you choose a doula to support your family as you welcome your rainbow baby.

What experience do you have supporting families after pregnancy and loss?

Loss changes the way you move through pregnancy. It changes the way you interpret symptoms, the way you prepare for birth, and the emotions you bring into the labor and delivery room.

Asking about your doula’s experience helps you understand:

• Whether they’re familiar with the emotional complexity of rainbow pregnancies

• How they respond to anxiety, fear, or grief

• Whether their approach feels validating rather than minimizing

A good doula will never say “don’t worry” or “everything will be fine.” They will honor your story and support you exactly where you are.

How will you support me emotionally if anxiety or grief shows up?

Many parents worry about being “too much”- too anxious, too guarded, too emotional. A doula trained in birth after loss understands that these feelings are not only normal, but expected.

They might support you by offering:

• Gentle grounding and breathing exercises

• A calm, steady presence during moments of overwhelm

• Space to talk through fears without judgment

• Reassurance that grief can coexist with hope

You want a doula who welcomes your full emotional range.

How will you help create a birth plan that honors my past?

Your past shapes what will help you feel safe in this birth. 

Your birth plan may include:

• Preferences for monitoring (continuous or intermittent) 

• Requests for clear communication (informed consent, acknowledgement before performing any interventions)

• Avoidance of trauma triggers

• Rituals to honor a previous loss 

• A flexible plan for unexpected situations

A supportive doula will help you think through these elements with compassion and clarity.

What is your role leading up to the birth?

For many parents, appointments can be the hardest part of pregnancy after loss. Scans and dopplers often carry both hope and fear.

Ask your doula:

• Will they help you prepare questions ahead of time for your provider?

• Are they available to debrief after an appointment, especially if something felt triggering or unclear?

• Are you available leading up to labor for questions or concerns?

This kind of support can bring grounding and steadiness into an otherwise overwhelming space.

What steps do you take to ensure trauma-informed support during labor?

Labor can bring up memories or sensations tied to past loss. A trauma-informed doula understands how to support you in ways that protect emotional safety.

Look for someone who:

• Always asks for consent before touch

• Uses clear, calm communication

• Helps you stay present and grounded if traumatic memories arise

• Encourages slow, intentional decision-making

• Advocates for pauses when things feel rushed

Your sense of safety matters just as much as your physical comfort.

How would you support my partner, who may also be grieving?

Partners/spouses often carry their own quiet grief, fear, and protectiveness. A doula’s support should embrace the whole family.

Ask how they:

• Include partners in conversations and decisions

• Give them simple, supportive, clear ways to tangibly help during labor

• Create space for them to take breaks or regulate their emotions

• Normalize their experience and emotions

A well-supported partner can better support you.

What does postpartum support look like for parents who have experienced a previous loss?

The birth of a rainbow baby doesn’t erase previous grief. Sometimes the fear even intensifies postpartum.

Post-loss postpartum support may include:

• Navigating bonding challenges

• Processing the birth experience

• Recognizing signs of perinatal mood concerns

• Establishing rhythm, rest, and gentle routines

• Holding space for both joy and sorrow

Your doula’s presence in the weeks after birth can bring stability to a tender season.

How can you help me feel connected to this baby without feeling like I’m “forgetting” the baby I lost?

One of the most complex emotional layers of pregnancy after loss is the fear of replacing or overshadowing the baby who isn’t here.

A compassionate doula can support you by:

• Encouraging rituals or memory items that honor both babies

• Helping you create space to talk about your loss and your angel baby

• Supporting your pace of bonding with your rainbow baby

• Reassuring you that loving again is not forgetting

Both stories can coexist. Both babies deserve space in your heart.

Pregnancy after loss requires a different kind of care– one rooted in gentleness, patience, and deep respect for the path you’ve walked and are still on. The right doula won’t ask you to move faster than you’re ready, and they won’t tell you how to feel. They will simply walk with you, helping you feel grounded, informed, and never alone. 

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep”- Romans 12:15.

If you are a parent who has lost a baby, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am praying over you and your family as you grieve.

Many blessings,
Cayt

Ready to Reach Out for Support?

It would be an honor to support you, your family, and the birth of your miracle rainbow baby. At Holistic Heritage Birth Services, we offer:

• Pregnancy and birth doula care

• Postpartum doula services

• Faith-centered birth support

Click here to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation.